For the Doctor Who Fans; Or, Father's Day Take 2

We are unashamed Whovian fans. That and Lord of the Rings play a big role in how we first reached out to each other on dating sites/social media. We love so many other fandoms, too: Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, Jane Austen, Marvel, DC, Firefly, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Miyazaki, Phineas & Ferb/Milo Murphy. But among all 7 of us, Doctor Who is the strongest. Due to so much isolation, Mon Amour and I had to adapt our dates: Living Room picnics watching a show or movie...with the kids. 

As the kids got older, we couldn't watch just anything we hadn't seen before--partly because we like to be aware of content ahead of time and partly because family needs/distractions/volumes meant I could never focus as easily and missed much. Kids always were excited about Doctor Who and we easily gravitated over to that most of the time. Mon Amour has usually picked the episodes, ones that are more child friendly or ones we only saw once or getting caught up with a particular Doctor and watching several of their episodes in a row. We even watched iconic episodes of all the old Who Doctors 1-8. It has kind of bugged me watching so haphazardly because it can be very confusing.

So we finally decided to watch from the beginning of New Who with #9. And this week for our picnic we just happened to be on the episode "Father's Day." The timing, right? I think I'd only seen this one once before. I had borrowed the DVDs my first time through. Mon Amour owned Seasons 1-7 part 1 (no Tennant specials) when we married. So we've had access to all but rarely re-watched any of #9 in Season 1. Which is a shame, because he's my first doctor and as one of my Who T-shirts says: You never forget your first doctor. But if we did watch on occasional #9 episode (because little kids and farting aliens? Yeah....), my husband always voiced how hated "Father's Day" was across the Whoniverse because they introduce creatures who eat everything because time is wounded, and then every proceeding season wounds time but creatures are never seen again.

My memories of it were not so negative, but in most things I'm an easily pleased fan. So we begin watching it. And oh the feels. Rose wants to go back to when her father was killed in a hit-and-run and died alone, so that she can be there for him. But she messes up, and in a do-over, she ends up saving him. Hence monsters eating others from a wound in time. Rose was a baby when her dad died. Here she is an adult, and their realization/reunion is so sweet, especially since Mon Amour won't see most of our children as adults in this life. The idea of him getting to have a glimpse of his babies grown up before he dies is such a powerful thing to me. And I have comfort that he will see that from heaven. But I won't get to see him see them, which would have been a great joy for me as a mother and wife. 

Near the end, her father realizes he can fix the wound if he lets himself die as he was supposed to. Rose says it's not fair. And her dad replies, "I've had all these extra hours. No one in the world's ever had that. And on top of that, I get to see you. And you're beautiful. How lucky am I, eh?" 

Extra hours--we get extra days, months, maybe even years. I often think of those who die suddenly and don't get to say goodbye. We are so, so blessed. Or "get to see you?" As I saw with my brother and as we have with the two oldest kids, some people don't always get to see their loved ones as frequently as they'd like in their known (or unknown!) last days. Gratefully, #1 and #2's bio-mom is trying to help them come see their dad much more often so they can have more time with him. But it still hurts him that it can't be every day. So at least 3 of the 5 get to be here every day. That's "lucky"--blessings abounding. 

So others may turn their noses up at "Father's Day." But I loved it for the personal connections and the reminders of our blessings.

Not the Father's Day I Expected

Father's Day was not the easiest day, and completely unexpected for why. I saw plenty of posts from others that mentioned the different kinds of fathers including those in heaven. I see every day how much our children will probably miss out on after they lose their dad, which is why it is even more important we are creating (and preserving!) memories now and from his past. So today didn't sneak up and surprise me with those feelings.

No, today snuck up with what a terrible person I am. I know I could be worse than I am. But I'm not the patient, kind person so many tell me I am. I'm strong, and I endure a lot. But I don't endure it graciously. Sometimes I wonder if that's why the trials keep coming my way--so I can learn to be as gracious as I wish I could be. I've had plenty of experiences to help me become so and it isn't working. Feels like the opposite. My patience grows so thin. Some days it's non-existent. 

I'm an introspective person and am very self-aware. I know quite well the mistakes I make and the weaknesses I have. Today those mistakes and weaknesses just glared at me everywhere, especially what has come up in marriage and parenthood the last 8 years. I also know it hasn't been all me. Mon Amour has had quite a few of his own mistakes and weaknesses and together we have strained our marriage and relationship countless times. We've kept at it because we know we're both flawed, and that marriage includes growing and improving together. So often we've agreed we need and want counseling. But we haven't been able to afford it and our same issues keep cycling through. I had hoped for time to work on healing our past wounds, turning our weaknesses to strengths, and really deepening our relationship.  All that seems like it's going to take some time and it doesn't feel like we'll have that much time.

Since the diagnosis, I have tried to just let it all go. To focus on the deepening our relationship part. But today revealed that for me, even a terminal illness doesn't erase 8 years of built up hurt and resentment. We need time to heal. I don't want all the tough times to be the prevalent memories for the rest of my life because I didn't have time to heal from them and create much better ones. And I have no idea how to go about that while I'm trying to handle everything else.

I know that self-care and sleep greatly affect my patience and my outlook on myself and my life past, present, and future. My sleep has been erratic for months because my Epstein-Barr Virus flared up in December, and this time the symptom of insomnia came with it. I've also been trying to work on recognizing my own cognitive distortions. So I realize that the lack of sleep and emotions are clouding some things. I know from first hand experience with other deaths that the negative can fade and the positive have a stronger hold. In spite of how I've felt in the last 48 hours, I have hope things will get better and hope that Heavenly Father will give us the time needed to heal and deepen our marriage. 

Roller Coaster

 This week has taught me that End of Life preparations can be full of humor, self-reflection, and much learning. I was doing pretty well with it earlier in the week. But I hit a breaking point yesterday afternoon. Probably compounded by too many other things needing my attention, research, and attention. And lots of driving all week, especially yesterday. It was a slow down hill on my roller coaster.

Today I am tired and the emotions are drowning me. Gratefully, this past week my therapist taught me a good exercise to help me work on keeping my thoughts and emotions from becoming distorted so that they don't control my overall well-being. I've been trying to do a quick exercise when I feel the negative emotions taking over too deeply. But that doesn't mean I didn't let myself have a cry first. It helped. But I need some extra self-care to help charge my emotional and mental batteries right now. And the roller coaster will even out and start eventually climbing again.

This Week's Gospel Study Comforts

[Upfront apology: I am at the mercy of the laptop Mon Amour gave me, which uses programming he loves and I do not understand in the least. So though I have always been fairly capable of formatting my blog posts to how I want them, there are lots of layers to this that I cannot figure out. It is a constant struggle that needs to be addressed even more since I need to be able to rely on my own tech knowledge and skills and not his, but until then, I have this to work with. So apologies for inconsistencies and any visual off-ness that I am not able to figure out how to fix.]

 I'm trying to be better at my own self-care to help me through everything. So many things have fallen off my regular track in the last few years. I've hated that, but still struggled to get it back to where I want it. I feel it is imperative to get those in place now, because I need the sustaining power, the peace and clarity in my life, and the personal strength to help me pull myself and my children through all of this. I'm not ashamed to say I've resorted to using an app to help me. It's been really, really helpful in reminding me of the things I want to do but often forget because I'm swept up by all the other demands. Listening to a General Conference talk each day has been one of the goals I added this week. At the beginning of the week, I was listening to talks referenced in this week's Come, Follow Me lesson. 

Once I'd done those, I started at the beginning of the most recent General Conference. Yesterday's talk was Elder Holland's "As a Little Child," where I rememberd his story of the young man passing the sacrament in spite of many physical obstacles. Just a few weeks before this talk was given, I had been asking my ministering brother who is also in the Bishopric if we could figure out a way for my husband to pass the sacrament that would not take away from the spirit and purpose of the ordinance. This story gave me hope then, and did again yesterday.

Today's talk was Sister Johnson's "Spiritually Whole in Him." This was a subject I was often aware of because I have a friend back in Virginia who suffers from Locked-In Syndrome. Her extreme physical ailments are not being healed in this life, yet I have seen how she has worked to be spiritually whole in our Savior, and blessed so many lives around her to be the same. It's a subject I trust and believe in, so was comforting to hear again today. Two things especially stood out for me: 

1. This reminder:  "But He may not provide healing from illness and disease—chronic pain, autoimmune disorders like multiple sclerosis, cancer, anxiety, depression, and the like. That kind of healing is on the Lord’s time. And in the meantime, we can choose to be made whole by exercising our faith in Him!"

2. Her reference to Paul: 

The Apostle Paul had some kind of affliction—what he described as a “thorn in the flesh,” which three times he had asked the Lord to remove. And the Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” To which Paul declared:

“Most gladly therefore will I … glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

“Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, … in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

Paul’s example suggests that even in our weakness, our strength in Jesus Christ can be made perfect—that is, complete and whole. Those who wrestle with mortal struggles and turn to God in faith like Paul can receive the blessings of becoming acquainted with God.

Paul was not healed of his affliction, but he was spiritually whole in Jesus Christ. And even in his adversity, the light of his conversion to and strength from Jesus Christ was shining, and he was joyful. 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I'd also like to post the verses that brought comfort this week from Come, Follow Me lessons.

*Doctrine & Covenants 59: 1-2. My husband was reviewing last week's lesson in our Family Home Evening Scripture and shared this one.

"For those that live shall inherit the earth, and those that die shall rest from all their labors, and their works shall follow them; and they shall receive a crown in the mansionsof my Father, which I have prepared for them.

"Yea, blessed are they whose feet stand upon the land of Zion, who have obeyed my gospel; for they shall receive for their reward the good things of the earth, and it shall bring forth in its strength."

*Doctrine & Covenants 61: 36. This one I had the kids repeat aloud with me a couple of times so we can all remember. Monkey 3 said she really liked it: 

"And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you"

*Doctrine & Covenants 58: 3-5. This one I have loved for many years. I first fully encountered it in high school. I had just learned about my only sister having a miscarriage. It hit me harder than I expected. We had a youth temple trip that morning, and I was seeking comfort of any kind. I flipped my scriptures open to this passage, and was overwhelmed by the power and comfort it brought. I have turned to that quote so many times in the 2+ decades that have followed. It was not readily on my mind in the last couple of years, and the Lord definitely wanted to remind me. Because I was trying to read the scriptures for this week's Come, Follow Me lesson. I couldn't remember which verses they were, and I coulddn't find my open tab for that lesson. So I made a guess around where we were and opened up this section. As soon as I started reading these well beloved verses, I felt the Spirit pouring over me in comfort and reminding. I feel like my life in the last several years has been one thing after another. And these verses so instilled in me since I was a teenager helped me pull through all of that. I needed the fresh reminder as I face my biggest trial yet.

"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

"For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

"Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow."

For the LotR fans

We have been on a big Lord of the Rings kick, introducing it to Monkeys 3 and 4. We watched the whole LotR trilogy a week before the GSS diagnosis came in while Monkey 3 was recovering from her tonsillectomy. Then came the Hobbit trilogy the week after. During this time Mon Amour decided it was time we owned the extended LotR trilogy. So we've been watching through that in the last week. Tonight we were watching the scene Arwen's Fate in Two Towers, which is an emotional scene but today resonated more deeply. Her father Elrond tells her:

"Aragorn will die. And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death.... You will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent.... There is nothing for you here, only death." As I watched that scene, I was able to identify that that is how I feel at times now. Looking into a bleak, black-and-white future--all alone waiting my years to pass all alone until my time here is done. Then I was immediately reminded of one of my favorite scenes to come in Return of the King, as Arwen is riding sorrowfully along when she gets a glimpse of her own fate. She races back to her father and demands answers: Elrond: I looked into your future and I saw death. Arwen: But there is also life. You saw there was a child. You saw my son. I love that part--the joy, hope, beauty, and peace that come because there's life in her future even if her husband will inevitably die. And as I repeatedly am reminded, there is not just death and loneliness in my future. I have our children. Parts of him that will remain with me as I continue that part of my journey without him for a time. After the promises of the Gospel and if I keep my covenants, that is my greatest comfort in all of this right now.

Who Will Listen?

 We watched "Wild Robot" for the first time. My heart seized a little when Fink the Fox (near the end) said, "What if I want to say something and you're not there to listen?" This is my biggest ache currently. I know where Mon Amour is going after he leaves this life. But I will be left without my best friend. I know he'll hear me when I talk, and that I may hear his response in various ways that I will learn to hear over time. But it won't be the same, what I've gotten so used to and even dependent on.

I waited a long time to find my best friend--the friend who I could eagerly go to when I wanted to talk about anything. And I have. I do. We have been so blessed to have our relationship during this time on earth. Text messages have played an incredibly large part of our communication, allowing us to talk to each other all day no matter what was keeping us from being together. And technology allowed him to work from home full-time for 2.5 years and part-time for another 20 months. This allowed us to have all of our meals together plus the evening times that were usually spent commuting. In his earlier commuting days, we saw each other for about an hour each weekday. Work-from-home meant we saw each other for 5 hours each weekday. We were so blessed to have all that time given to us when we had no idea our time together on this earth would be shorter than we hoped. Even now I get to see him all throughout the day and talk whenever I want.

Which will make me miss him all the more. And it's hurting thinking of it. As much as I'm trying to live in the now and focus on what I can control, I think it's only natural for my mind to be looking ahead at the future. I'm an introvert--I don't generally like the unknown because it can take a lot of energy out of me. 

Which is why what happened next in "Wild Robot" followed after my heart and hugged it until it remembered to beat again. The animals each started telling the fox, "You can talk to me." I won't be alone. I never have been, and I never will be. I am always surrounded (physically and virtually) by loved ones willing to listen and also respond. And even if none of them were there, my Savior always will be. 

Music of Late

Here are some of the songs that have been playing a huge part in my emotional and mental processing:

• "When You Believe" by Noteworthy and "When You Believe" by Aaron Lazar. I love this song and my daughter has come to really love it, too. Listening to the song reminded me that I know Heavenly Father is all-powerful. It was vaguely suggested to us in the last couple of weeks that we "shouldn't give up hope" because "the Lord can do all things." I know He could heal my husband, or at least prevent his early death. But I also believe in having the faith that he won't be healed (see Elder Bednar's "Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing" talk). Mon Amour and I both feel strongly that this is all part of the plan for us. Some of the whys are answered, and some we may not know for a while or ever. 
• "No Longer Drowning" and "Fighter" by Gracelyn Wilkinson. I heard of this young lady last year when she achieved her dream of releasing her own music on the radio and streaming platforms. She had suffered a terrible accident in school a few years before and bad been fighting the affects of that for years. She died 4 months after the release of her album. I had immediately put her songs on some of my playlists the day they were released. Hearing them on my "Soothing Secular" list reminded me of her story, and seeing a slight connection to our story now. 
• And it then reminded me of another similar story I had come across 13 years ago. "Clouds" by Zach Sobiech, though the first time I heard it was the celebrity music video that made me cry before I even knew his story--I loved seeing his reaction! I was reminding my husband about this song (and also movie) on our date on Thursday. Then it came on the radio when I was out with the kids on Saturday. The Lord reminding me He is mindful of us. That we are not alone and we can find comfort in so many places.

The Fall That Got Both of Us (or All of Us?)

Mon Amour had one of his bigger falls Sunday night just as I was getting the kids to bed. We've pieced together what happened from what he remembers doing (carrying the water to the stairs for me to carry up later) and how I found him (laying on his front with his house shoe off to the side). He twisted on his shoe and landed on his left side. We can understand why he has the biggest bruise on his left elbow that showed up 3 days later. (Confession: I find bruises fascinating, and this one boggles my mind!) We cannot figure out what in the world he hit his head on that caused the gash that took an hour to stop bleeding. What made things difficult is as I hurried down to the basement where he was laying at the bottom of the stairs, somehow I either missed the last step or tripped on his legs and twisted my left foot. Thank goodness Monkey #3 was able to run quick errands to grab all the things I needed to help Mon Amour until I was able to get up and hobble on my foot. Kids got to bed an hour later than supposed to.

Helping me Deal

I took the kids to a temple open house Thursday morning, the day after my husband and I finally were able to worship in the temple together for the first time in over 6 years. On the way to the open house, I listened to my "Soothing Secular" playlist to put the kids in the right mindset for what we would be seeing and feeling there. 

I haven't listened much to this playlist, so I didn't really remember what was on it. The songs had me thinking and feeling a whole range of things. While the music and the open house were both good experiences, I did come out on the other side feeling more of the down emotions. As I teach my kids, this is not a bad thing. Every emotion is okay to feel. What matters is how you deal with it. For me, it was needing a break from all my overwhelming tasks and allowing myself to process what has been happening. 

It has been 4 days of processing and has been a hard place to be. But I've been able to listen to music, cry, talk, laugh, go on a date with my husband, attend a school event and a family event, and found some little joys to keep me going. I even found a self-care app that I think is just what I've been needing for months to help me get some of the basics in my life covered and will help me focus on the now which is what my therapist has been telling me over and over to do in the last year.

Dealing with difficult things is not new to me. It's just that this difficult thing is completely new to me. However, I've been having little reminders during these last few days that the Lord has been preparing me since I was a teenager to have the strength to get through the things that feel like keep being thrown my way. Not like I'll ever be ready to lose my best friend earlier than I had expected when we married just 8 years ago. But I'll know how to work through the thoughts and the emotions that will come with it because I've had a lifetime with the Lord lifting me up during the hard times and reminding me of the wonderful times. And He will continue to do so.