Father's Day was not the easiest day, and completely unexpected for why. I saw plenty of posts from others that mentioned the different kinds of fathers including those in heaven. I see every day how much our children will probably miss out on after they lose their dad, which is why it is even more important we are creating (and preserving!) memories now and from his past. So today didn't sneak up and surprise me with those feelings.
No, today snuck up with what a terrible person I am. I know I could be worse than I am. But I'm not the patient, kind person so many tell me I am. I'm strong, and I endure a lot. But I don't endure it graciously. Sometimes I wonder if that's why the trials keep coming my way--so I can learn to be as gracious as I wish I could be. I've had plenty of experiences to help me become so and it isn't working. Feels like the opposite. My patience grows so thin. Some days it's non-existent.
I'm an introspective person and am very self-aware. I know quite well the mistakes I make and the weaknesses I have. Today those mistakes and weaknesses just glared at me everywhere, especially what has come up in marriage and parenthood the last 8 years. I also know it hasn't been all me. Mon Amour has had quite a few of his own mistakes and weaknesses and together we have strained our marriage and relationship countless times. We've kept at it because we know we're both flawed, and that marriage includes growing and improving together. So often we've agreed we need and want counseling. But we haven't been able to afford it and our same issues keep cycling through. I had hoped for time to work on healing our past wounds, turning our weaknesses to strengths, and really deepening our relationship. All that seems like it's going to take some time and it doesn't feel like we'll have that much time.
Since the diagnosis, I have tried to just let it all go. To focus on the deepening our relationship part. But today revealed that for me, even a terminal illness doesn't erase 8 years of built up hurt and resentment. We need time to heal. I don't want all the tough times to be the prevalent memories for the rest of my life because I didn't have time to heal from them and create much better ones. And I have no idea how to go about that while I'm trying to handle everything else.
I know that self-care and sleep greatly affect my patience and my outlook on myself and my life past, present, and future. My sleep has been erratic for months because my Epstein-Barr Virus flared up in December, and this time the symptom of insomnia came with it. I've also been trying to work on recognizing my own cognitive distortions. So I realize that the lack of sleep and emotions are clouding some things. I know from first hand experience with other deaths that the negative can fade and the positive have a stronger hold. In spite of how I've felt in the last 48 hours, I have hope things will get better and hope that Heavenly Father will give us the time needed to heal and deepen our marriage.
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