It's the holidays. I've heard many times this can be a hard time for those who grieve. Didn't understand until my brother died 3 years ago, a week before his Christmas birthday. By the next Christmas--two years ago--my sister-in-law had also died. Last year we had a diagnosis for why Mon Amour was struggling physically and adjusting to what that would mean while we hoped we could get genetic testing to find more answers. We have been blessed to receive answers no matter how dire those answers seem. I've had several comments on how well we are "taking all this." I "take this" because of my faith and beliefs, particularly in my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior Jesus Christ. But I'm not always taking it well.
This has definitely been a difficult season for me this year. Not just a season. The last 7 months. I hold on to the many blessings we have been given physically, spiritually, financially, medically, and intellectually. We've been able to settle some things. We have learned lots and still have so much more to figure out. We have had family experiences. We have had many laughs. We have talked about death, eternal life, connecting with loved ones beyond the veil, resurrection. It has been incredible.
But it has also been hard. I blog to get everything out. That includes the good with the bad. Many years ago during some then-hard-to-me trials, I chose to develop a Pollyanna personality that tried to find the good. Something that I could be glad about or more particularly grateful for no matter what my situation. This mentality/habit has pulled me through many years and lifts me through these hard times as well. But I don't want people to only see my Pollyanna side. Because it's not always bright and seeing the positive. If you want to see my true grief and coping, then I will share the down times, too. Not for pity but for understanding and for honesty. In case anyone has a hard row to hoe, you will know I've had my own. And I've done it with plenty of tears and complaining as well as peace and enlightenment.
So today I thought I'd give a quick list of a few times that I completely lost it emotionally this holiday season. Some lasted a couple minutes while driving. Some lasted several minutes in my room or in the garage. A few were in front of the entire family because I couldn't get to a private space. The worst may have been for a solid half hour in front of my whole family as we were parked in a Target parking lot. (Sorry to whomever was in the car next to us.)
*the kitchen got messy again after I had worked so hard to keep it clean
*while trying to get the kitchen back to a decent cleanliness, I cut my left index finger very badly. A combo of stress and low sleep, I was scream-sobbing on that one as I couldn't get the bleeding to stop and then got woozy. It's been weeks, the cut has healed, and the finger still hurts. I keep wondering if somehow I channeled all the emotions of that moment into that finger.
*while trying to figure out formatting for calendar labels for next semester's workbooks.
*thinking I had accidentally thrown away a gift card we were anonymously given and wondering how we were going to handle groceries for the next month without it. I was overwhelmed with the needs of my family while feeling irresponsible and unworthy of others' generosity. It was a huge low for me. (I found the gift card later and said a few prayers of thanks.)
*on my way to and from the bank to handle, yet again, figuring out bank account(s) to deal with Survivor Benefits for Monkeys 3-5 as well as myself. The frustration of that was nothing compared to the dread that wanted to fill me from all things financial these days as well as the persistent feeling of always being alone now
But my Pollyanna nature has to end on a positive: I don't think I cried at any of the plethora of Christmas movies/tv we have watched as a family all season. Not even "It's a Wonderful Life" or our Dr Who specials. Ones that would usually get me, didn't get me. Maybe because I was cried out by the time we got to them. But, as my goal states on my Finch app: Allow myself to feel my emotions without judgement. I feel no shame or embarrassment (except maybe for the neighboring car in the Target parking lot) over my many crying outbursts. They were needed. They were cleansing. They were honest. They help me to keep moving on.
