Had to think of a lighthearted title to go with an unintentional stab today. We are blessed to receive long term disability and Social Security for Mon Amour. Without them we would be in trouble. Losing Mon Amour's job before HR mentioned he should apply for disability made for a very scary time. I'm not afraid to work and I'm skilled to re-enter the work force at a salary that could cover what Disability and SS cover. However, Mon Amour's health conditions mean I cannot leave him alone for too long let alone our 3 children at home.
Yes, I could send Monkey #3 to public school (which we really don't want to for a multitude of reasons, one includes her own health). But there are still Monkeys #4 and #5 who aren't school age, yet. My work from home skills are being taken over by AI. Last year I spent lots of time and money to set up a home business where I teach preschool music classes. But I started that route when I wanted it to be a supplement that I could build as the children got older and could take more responsibility in their home schooling. I'd set up all but one step when we learned of his terminal diagnosis. I have calculated--I would need to teach at least 20 classes to make what our family needs to stay in our home (which is our 2nd goal after our 1st of continuing to home school). And most of those classes would need to be the higher level curriculum which I'm not trained for, yet, and which I wouldn't be able to keep up with company policy for amount of students because of size restrictions my city has placed on home businesses. Even if I was allowed smaller classes, I would need the interest. I'm struggling getting 5 students signed up for my 1 class. I can't imagine being able to find 100 students every semester, even with the 3-year commitment in the higher curriculum. So I am seeking out other work-from-home jobs while trying to take care of all the other tasks this new chapter as added in to my life.
Disability and SS just barely cover the regular monthly expenses we have. They never account for the medical bills which we can't plan for as easily. I'm a Dave Ramsey financial fan, but we're not at a spot where we can set money aside for even the one month emergency fund. We're trying, but there's just not enough.
I'm not necessarily ashamed, but I guess I have a twinge of embarrassment or guilt that we now have WIC. We have used free lunches the schools give in the summer for the last 2 years. And now I go to our nearest food pantry each week to stretch what we get with WIC and our smaller grocery budget. Over and over I quote the scripture of "If I had, I would give." Because I have done so in the past, and hope so strongly I can be in such a position again one day. But right now, I'm not. And it is extremely humbling. It can make standing in line at the food pantry difficult.
However, the people I have met in line have been kind and interesting. Sharing umbrellas in a snow fall. saving spots in line for the elderly and disabled so they can wait out the cold in their vehicles. Telling stories of their lives. It's enlightening and camaraderie. The volunteers are upbeat, polite, patient, and also kind. I've appreciated their familiar faces even if they don't necessarily recognize mine. I have appreciated their kindness to my kids the couple times they've had to wait with me. And I appreciate that they will walk my box of food to my vehicle and load it for me. The last several weeks, the various gentlemen who have loaded my van have given me the head's up to be careful getting the box back out because it's heavy. Lots of canned goods, so understandable. A nice "be careful--it's heavy" each week. So kind.
And today the gentlemen was also being kind. He'd been teasing that I would eat all the donuts we had been given. I had laughed back and told him I didn't actually like sweet foods much, but we'd be ok because I had a husband and 3 kids at home. To which he smiled and agreed there wouldn't be a problem then. But as he finished loading my van, he said, "Make sure your husband gets that for you--it's heavy."
And I smiled. Because that's what I do.
Even though it stabbed my heart. I can go up to a few hours some times without having to be reminded of all the things that are up to me now because my husband can't. And then the reminder comes in one of its many varied forms. And I ache. I ache for me and the tiredness that overwhelms me. I ache for me at the broken dream growing old together and attempting to help each other even in our weaker states. I ache for my husband who had the ability to help in even the little things taken away. I ache that he aches over all this, too.
Someone recently wondered aloud to me with no answer because neither of us could really say: Which is worse? Losing someone suddenly or losing them gradually? Because I've seen many friends and loved ones lose someone suddenly. My own brother, when they found his cancer was back, was gone within 3 weeks. Not as sudden as an accident might be, but it was still pretty quick. We had the blessing of saying goodbye, which the even more sudden deaths do not. And I feel it is a blessing that we have an unknown but far from sudden amount of time to create memories so we are ready when the good-bye comes. But that blessing can also hurt. Especially when it comes with limitations of what he and we can do.
So, there's some honesty for you as you glimpse at what our life is like right now. And what my emotional state often is dealing with. In order to not dwell on something negative, especially right before I go to sleep, here are two completely unrelated positive that brought me joy today:
1) after several years of wanting to, the kids and I finally started to create our fairy gardens today. We're doing the Dollar store and Goodwill way, but it's fun. So cute to see them make theirs, and really stress relieving as I created mine.
2) FB reminded me that Monkey #3 crawled for the first time 6 years ago, when she was 15 months old. Countless things about her life are a miracle. From the experiences of her and her life, it's hard not to see the blessings we've been showered with even in this harder bend in our road.
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